Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
