What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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