That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
