how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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