Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
