I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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