i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dear god my vagina.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize