my vag is so smooth its legendary
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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