he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
