He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
