I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
