I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
