He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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