so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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