Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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