do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
