I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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