New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
