it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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