i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
