I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She even gives head with a lisp.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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