highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize