Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
