Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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