At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
