Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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