he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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