I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
