swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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