saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
