I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
