so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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