I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Ketchup is God's man juice
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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