nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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