apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
