Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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