whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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