dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
