so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
only you would photoshop your dick
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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