he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
