all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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