My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
