So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
