I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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