whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize