Buhtt sex?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
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