i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i will never coherently bang her
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize