I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize