my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my being single is dangerous.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
