I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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