I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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