just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
