It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
