i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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