Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize