I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
