The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
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